ariadnelives: (falloutshelter)
[personal profile] ariadnelives
Two weeks ago, Jesse was at his mom's house in Portland after she took him and his brothers to see Leonard Cohen, and Jesse's sister in law, Kama, asked when we are getting married and don't we know that people need to plan and it's about us, sure, but we need to recognize the complications of other people's lives for chrissake, so Jesse was like, "Okay, it's Friday. We're getting married on BLACK FRIDAY, which means YOU CAN'T SHOP." Jesse's mom chimed in and said, "Don't do it on Friday because we're leaving the country on Friday. Why not on Thanksgiving?" It's worth noting that Thanksgiving was also Jesse's mother's birthday, so we could kill two proverbial birds with one proverbial stone. So when Jesse came home on Monday, he mentioned that maybe we should knock it all out now, quickly while all the family is going to be in one place.

My girlhood fantasies about my future never involved a wedding. I've never been the kind to rank my friends in terms of who would stand up for my side of a wedding party, and the only dress I ever thought I might consider was one I dreamed about-- bib overalls, but satin instead of denim. Whenever anyone has asked about how the planning has been going, I immediately get the impression that planning one's wedding is probably pretty involved and most likely includes calligraphy and hot glue guns and fights with one's life partner. The more I have expressed that I want to keep things as simple as possible-- we're buying a house, which will last a lifetime whereas a wedding will last one afternoon/evening-- the more input I get from well-meaning friends and family whose ideas of simple overwhelm me. This is, of course, at the same time that most of the people in my life tell me that if they could re-do their wedding, they'd spend the money on a cruise or something instead of dinner for 200 of their mother's closest acquaintances. Besides, I'm old. Big weddings are for people in their early 20s.

So I said that I'd call my mom and my brother, and if they could make it out for Thanksgiving, we'd do it. If not, then not. My mom called back on Friday to say that they could make it, and then I was like, shit! What am I going to wear?

My good friend Katie was all over the idea of a shotgun wedding as long as we still have some sort of ceremony in the summer, and since she likes to shop (whereas I would rather grade papers or pluck each of my body hair out one strand at a time), she said that she would lead the charge to find a proper wedding outfit. We went everywhere, and it sucked, but I finally found a white shirt with bling on it, and blue velvet combat boots. And then Katie agreed to make a head thing for me-- it's gorgeous, a head wreath thing out of copper with blue flowers on it with long tulle. I thought I might find a skirt if I looked on Sunday, and I did look (I swear) but couldn't find anything made my reflection more acceptable, so I decided to stick with jeans. Jesse wore an orange and blue tie with black pants and white converse and a plaid sports coat. We both agreed that if anyone besides family was watching, we'd look way too obnoxiously anti-wedding/hipster/douchey, but I thought he looked lovely.

Wednesday morning during my prep period, we met at the county clerk's office and paid an extra $10 to waive the waiting fee.

I wrote down all the parts that people play in a wedding on small scraps of paper, and then everyone there drew them out of a hat. My brother was my maid of honor, and Jesse's mom and sister in law Kama were bridesmaids. Jesse's other sister in law Jen was his best man; his brother Joe was the father, and his other brother Paul was a groomsman. I had a junior bridesmaid and two flower girls, including Jesse's aunt Sue who always wanted to be a flower girl. And because we didn't really have time for vows, I thought it would be fun to do mad libs. Jen took everyone who wanted to participate into another room, where they wrote vows for me, Jesse and Kenneth who officiated the wedding and whose house it was.

And so, after dinner, it was on. I walked down the hallway to Breathless by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, on the arm of my mother and preceded by my brother. And in the dining room of Kenneth and Mayanna's house, Kenneth read his part. Then Jesse read his mad lib, and I read mine (they'd worked the word "moist" and "oily" into every place possible), and then something changed because--

I was having so much fun, and our families were such good sports about the spontaneity of it. They were just happy to be a part of it, and for me, that kind of wedding made me comfortable down to my bones, and this kind of relationship that I have with my husband (I have a fucking husband!) makes me comfortable down to my bones too. When I was little, I didn't think of having some big fancy wedding, but I always hoped that someday I'd find someone who would really love me in the way that I wanted to be loved, and for all the things that I love about myself but can't put into words-- someone who would see me in the ways that I desperately wanted to be seen, and to find me beautiful anyway. And I don't know if I can ever really express how grateful I am to have him in my life, and in my future and as a person who will help me raise a kid or two and will engage in discussions about where it would be best to wait out the end of the world as we know it, and who will tell me that he understands how patriarchy has always been good to him and is totally down with rejecting all of it, and who cares so much about other people's feelings, he often ignores his own. I loooove him, and I believe that he is a better human being than I am, and I am so fucking lucky.

In my real vows, the ones I sort of summarized in that last paragraph, I didn't promise anything, and I didn't promise to be anything or fill any role, and neither did he. He kept it simple by telling me how much he loves me and will build a life with me and will be old and die with me. And then mazel tov! All of these roots I've been carrying around like a too long dress, all gathered in my arms to avoid letting them settle or gather dust and dirt-- I let go of all of them, whump! And now they're free to wriggle into the ground because this is where I really live now. This is my real adult life with my real adult husband.

We spent the night in the attic of his mom's house, also used as the bedroom of Jesse's teen age years, where he thought he would never find anyone to really talk to, and where he decided he would never be good enough for anyone he really loved to love him back. There's still a poster of a Lamborghini and one of Jennifer Beals. And then the next night, we spent in a hotel downtown, where we tried it on for a while, like

-Holy shit, we're married!
- Holy shit, you're my husband!
- Holy shit, you're my wife!

Over and over again.

Saturday night, we took my mom and Tim with us over to Joe and Kama's house, and we played dominoes and drank too much wine and talked shit and ate Chinese food, and now I have nieces and nephews and siblings in law, and they're so damn cool, and I am lucky, lucky, lucky, and I am so damn thankful.

Date: 2012-11-26 07:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wait, what?!

HOLY SHIT YOU'RE MARRIED!! Congratulations!!! I wish you both all the love and happiness in the world.

Date: 2012-11-26 08:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate when I read your FB status I didn't think it contained all of this, this wonderfulness and joy :-) It sounds hilarious on the surface and touching way down deep and I couldn't be happier for you - for both of you, that you are such a great fit and that you did things in a way that felt just right for you both.

Happiest, most heartfelt congratulations. I'm surprised and not surprised, if that makes sense. Surprised because I didn't see it coming, but not surprised because it just makes sense, that it all went down like that :-)

Love love love love... ♥

Date: 2012-11-26 09:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
There you go, making me cry when I should be hurrying out the door to get to work.

Congratulations, Kate. It sounds perfect for you, and I'm so happy you got to have a day that suits you, not some forced on you horror.

You have a husband!

Date: 2012-11-26 10:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow!! Happy tears!!

Date: 2012-11-26 11:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm reading this at work and my eyes are all moist but not oily. This is it, my dear...your wonderful lovely life, now including marriage.

Your happiness makes me happy and that is just splendid.

Love. Oh yes. Love. Let it lift and protect you both.

Date: 2012-11-26 12:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
holy huge congratulations to you both and a lifetime of spontaneity awaits! x

Date: 2012-11-26 01:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh THAT'S a Thanksgiving you're not going to forget...


Date: 2012-11-26 03:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That sounds magical and awesome.
Congratulations, married lady!

Date: 2012-11-26 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

That is beautiful. I had the big wedding (which was unnecessary for anyone except my mother and Q's mother) and it was lovely....but not because it was a big wedding and I wore a big, poufy dress and there were flowers everywhere...but for exactly the reasons your wedding was beautiful. Because, at the end of the day, you have found your soulmate, the person who is wonderful and who makes you more wonderful just by being around you. Your wedding sounds amazing. But your marriage? That is and will be the most amazing thing ever.

Date: 2012-11-26 06:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Congratulations, K. It's been so amazing to follow the progression of your relationship with Jesse through your entries here. I imagine the two of you will continue being absolutely terrific for the rest of your days.

Date: 2012-11-26 07:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
And I am so damn happy for you and Jesse! Cheers! Hooray!

(In true wedding-chatter form, I want to see pictures!)

Date: 2012-11-26 08:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Woohoo! That's just brilliant. Congratulations :)

Date: 2012-11-26 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Congratulations! You did it your way.

Date: 2012-11-26 11:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is complete awesomeness! Congrats to both of you for having a wedding that was completely and utterly yours.

Date: 2012-11-27 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Congratulations! I am so, so happy for you both!

Date: 2012-11-29 02:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
AWESOME!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date: 2012-11-29 02:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Also I am so fucking inspired by this. B and I have been engaged for like two years now and neither of us is in any rush to get married, but we pretty much call each other husband and wife now anyway, and my engagement ring has a wedding ring soldered on it (was my grandma's), so basically it's a done deal, but I just looooooove the way you did it. And everytime someone asks me when B and I will actually get married, I will think of this, and probably plan to do something similar. I hope you take that as an homage because it totally is!

Date: 2012-12-06 08:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
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