Jun. 24th, 2010

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Sorry for the mess, I didn't get the message that you were coming over until 10:00 this morning, and I haven't even begun to clean.

I mean, yeah, I like it here, I guess. I've never been robbed here or anything. The house next door was robbed, but whoever broke in only stole their plants from the greenhouse.

Well, they were marijuana plants, so it makes more sense. Not that you'd know that they grow; they're nice, normal people. I mean their car plates say "BLUNT" so it's really out in the open. I think they must have a grow card or something. I've only ever smelled weed once or twice. When they moved the plants inside, I felt a lot safer even though it means that the window of the grow room looks right into the kitchen. See? Look. Yeah, that window. They're really nice people though.

Wait, wait, no, I wouldn't characterize the whole neighborhood like that. That's not the usual tone of the place. The collective, average age of the people in the neighborhood is like 75 years old. The lady next door, not the adjoining apartment, but the other side, she has this floodlight that lights up the whole yard at night. She's one of those who thinks robots are going to attack her and she walks out into the yard with a pistol to call her cat. Isn't that funny? She's afraid someone is going to steal all the magazines she's been hoarding since the 1970s. But I like her, and I know she'd shoot an intruder before I even realized there was one. I like the old folks better than the soccer moms though, even though I know better than to have a package delivered to this address. The few who aren't elderly gather together in the morning to don their reflective gear and jog together. I mean it's hilarious.When I still had a dog, I'd go out to walk him and there they'd be, the tall blond lady shouting at the shorter ones every two minutes to change their pace, all looking at her bodybugg to maximize whatever the fuck.

So let me show you around. This is, of course, the living room. The light? Oh yeah, this time of year, it's fine, but damn, in the winter it gets really dark. You don't know how many times I thought about taking a sledgehammer to that wall over there to let a little bit of light in. I'll even leave my full spectrum light bulbs for you guys if you move in. I put one of those super bright blue lights in the kitchen because I thought it might help. The bathroom is just a bathroom. Nothing special unless you count that shower head, if you know what I mean HAHAHA. The washer and dryer are mine and you can't have them, which reminds me-- there isn't a laundry mat in this neighborhood. You have to go over to Springfield, and what a pain in the ass that was.

And this is the big bedroom, which is weird because look. Yep, that's the neighbor's yard, so she put blinds on the outside of the window. I know. So even though this would probably be where you'd want to sleep, it's so damn dark, that after the first year here, I moved across to the small bedroom with better light because let me tell you, in January, any little bit helps. Oh and, this is the wall that is shared with the neighbor's bedroom, and I'll tell you what, you can put blinds on the outside of a window, but you can't block out sound, if you know what I mean. Let me tell you, I know more about how sad that woman's sex life is than I ever wanted to know. Once she gets started, it's all EH-EH-EH-- the dude sounds like a machine gun when he comes. From what I can tell through the wall, she never has enough time to get there. But this room is the one with all the closet space.

Let me show you the room I staked as my bedroom. We'll just move this pile of clothes and... oh. Oh Jesus, that's a snake. My cat Jeff... hang on, let me get the broom. Will you hand me that bag right there so that I can... thanks. I'll just throw this little guy outside. It's that time of year where the back yard is just crawling with shit to kill. I think my cat is tired of all the goddamn mice and now that the birds are bigger, they're harder to catch. No, no, don't worry, nothing lives for long in this house. I ended the mouse infestation of the first year with enough d-con to kill me, if I ate it, which I didn't HAHAHA, and now who knows how many mouse bones are collected under the stove. And then once I got a cat, I got the fleas too, but I have covered every square inch of this place in Borax and I squirt this little guy... oh sorry he's biting your foot. He's probably pissed that we threw the snake outside. He'll catch another one. A bunch of them live out by the garage.

You want to see the garage? Sure, let me show you. You'll have to forgive the jungle on the other side of the gate. Thing is, the neighbor lets her boyfriend park his motorcycle in that part of the yard, so I figure, she uses it, she should weed whack it, right? That's one of the weird things about this place is that her yard is enclosed by my yard, and you have to go through the yard to get to the garage. The power box is in her part of the yard, so if you ever blow a fuse, you'll need to know how to break in, but you can always tell when they're out of town or over at his place or whatever because he parks in your driveway space.

Oh yeah, I guess you could climb the fence. I thought it was just easier to take the screws off of the lock and then just walk through and put the screws back. That's what she gets for locking it, right? Yeah, we never had a conversation in the three years I lived here, but I feel like I really know her. I mean I really know her.

Gee, I'm sorry that the real estate lady didn't show up, but I'm glad I could show you around. You like the other place better? Okay, I'll let her know if she does show up. Thanks for stopping by, and sorry about the snake. Okay. Okay. Take care. Okay.

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